Innerdialects

That summer on the Logos ship at Paradip port, Odisha, I was 13 & thought just a little of the Cross.

At this Retreat, they showed us a film on Sadhu Sunder Singh: if that wasn’t a shocking Biography, there was the radical George Verwer who quoted from Corinthians, “.. if we are in Christ we are New creation, the old is gone, the new is here”;

a couple (Chris & wife) sang the Love of Christ with tears that shone for Eternity. Could I know that an accident would take them soon? As they prayed, the literal warmth of God’s Love poured in my sulking heart;

coping with stammers wasn’t easy; to say I was shy is not saying enough. It was easier to run to the beach where we lived. My version of Jesus? One who seemed to understand the need for getaways – sometimes a tree, a sand dune, a roof top, anywhere I could be left alone. Lil chapel on our hill was peaceful too when I didn’t have to join my family in Special songs. Everything was a scale higher than I could sing, neither could I understand why gentle Jesus had such a gory death, for ‘Redemption’? Religion can be a ritual & rule if Christ doesn’t happen to you, personally. My mind was a shut up cage with no key to unlock it. Not asking for any key; just wondered why I was alive at all;

now a Force lifted me to my feet as I took that altar call:

a massive wave of peace uncurled inside. Suddenly the stammers didn’t matter; and as much as the old me would’ve stopped any public declaration like that, I stood there and told the small gathering that a funny odd new thing was happening inside as I gave my ‘heart’ to Christ;

‘heart’ was another thing. How did they say you gave away your heart to God?! Now I had the core of me filling with new identity;

(me- a loner, who wrote dark poetry, felt unloved/ unlovable/ unnecessary in a world full of quite fantastic people. At age 3 I had been sincerely praying long prayers; that reputation followed me a bit till a sudden stammer/ spooner made a sentence quite comical.

Then one aunt said she had seen a vision of me, “…tall, praying, reading the Bible.” Everyone laughed cuz I was tiny in height too. The episode was still quite unsettling, in that for some reason, Christ got my attention. Aunty Dharamraj’s eyes were fire as she looked at me a long minute. I spent time running from any such aunties.

But here now was Jesus, raw, real, touchable. Could people and the Invisible God be as one? Yes. Yes!

After that Logos retreat, The Gospels came alive as I poured over the entire Bible that summer holiday. Dad was beyond amused but said nothing: me, his quiet Lil girl, not so great at sport but faithful admirer. Maybe he thought I was just growing up.

The nightmare that had kept returning (of me trapped between two full seas) was replaced by Christ walking the water to me…those nightmares faded out totally;

Enid blyton, Nancy Drew, PG Wodehouse…were replaced by this incredible Bookof Books. When I sang “..were you there when they crucified my Lord?” at a competition, they gave me a title- “church mouse”. Not all were bullies,

but Christ was recreating me into a person who respected and loved others. Jesus’ life was one of strength in sacred love: there was no place for hell here, not even little sins. Anytime I disobeyed, His Presence would nudge me towards the lifestyle of Christ. In love, He pursued me, as if I were a favorite child, the apple of His eye.

One evening there was this bloodied religious procession that needed people to pull heavy carts with hooks pinned to the skin of their naked back, neck, jaws. All in pursuit of peace. I was in the terrace of our home when His call came, to give Him all of my life. Ir arrived with the impact of a wave I could not ignore. To ignore Him was to go back the way I’d travelled to here.

Thru College I’d thought to do Masters in Psychology; but now I obeyed the Master’s call: a Force no other call could stand. I joined Jesus full time, including Christian work. Some said I was wasting my life, but fear of people was replaced with awe at God, His undying love for sulking sinners like I,

in pure Love that unlocked my true identity: born to shed His Love, every which way I possibly could!

Did this last week👇🏼 – hehe!!!! From Church mouse to Bible thumping Donkey ( for the child in us)

has been/ is nothing short of the resurrected Christ – in- me.

These continue to impact my life

Corrie Ten Boom

Kathryn Kuhlman

Billy Graham

Keith Green

John Ramirez – ex satanist, saved by Christ

Catherine Marshall

Bilquis Sheikh

The Torn Veil