Innerdialects

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I still can’t think of you in a place without me. But then, you are in the bones of my being – the pulse of my heart. On this Day years ago, you went with God. I cannot describe how it felt and feels to not have you in this life here.

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Then I look in the mirror and see your twinkle in my eye. Tears meant for sorrow slowly flow with that brand of peace you taught us, as children.

Daddy Robert David – rich with a life few own…your after- dinner fun tales about early life in Chennai, & Gran – ( I got her nose and yours, your mop of hair, and some of your humor). You pranked us when we were little kids. You waited, wrapped yourself in our door curtain….the white fabric hollowed in your mouth as you aped a friendly ghost. (We liked Casper). You teased, cheated at carroms, hid Gran Tara’s hair piece, conducted home choir on Saturdays….made a guitar, an easy chair, a cricket bat for Li; you talked about physics, (worried that I wasn’t good at Math)…said my NJ was a young Prince when you met him. Taught us about parenting; loved Ma totally….

as we grew we became Book- buddies. I was introduced to your Perry Mason, H.Chase, and PG Wodehouse in Mandvi, Kutch, one of your postings a few hundred kilometers from the Indian border. That was my few months after school finals, just you and I. People said we were so alike in our way with words. (That’s when I first really saw you in me. Oh we three were Daddy’s girls, but Ma’s too. What a mystery life is. Sacred, Eternal).

Long story about why you took a LH job at all. For us, these were emerald and sapphire seas. A rare dolphin sighting once. Multi-colored sunsets. Crystal clear water seahorse, starfish. Flat silver sands on moonlit nights. But you gave us even more, you brought us up as sons! We were Indian little girls, my sisters, and I. Tradition could have put us in long skirts, jasmine braids, and nose rings. But you said to Ma, “I’d rather they’re in the safety of jeans..”

Good decision Dad. Even your granddaughters thank you.

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I’m running out of words. Why write a Tribute when I can just go quiet and feel you? Maybe I need to. This took me a while to put into words. Last night I found these pictures in WordPress Media and am thrilled. Thought we’d lost these mementos of Time. You used to say, “Time is a stern huntsman.”

I said, “But there’s a heaven, daddy.”

You said, “But in heaven we may not be father and daughter.”

“You will still be Robbie, and I’ll be Ray.”

You laughed but there were tears. Your back was sore and you asked me to massage where it hurt. We sat right here in this corner that noon. The Christmas after Ma passed on, we were all together, at my sister Li’s home. You didn’t want to be ill and “spoil everyone’s holiday, and leave now”, (your words), so you asked God for the extension of another week, in a distinct dream.

And He said, “Alright” to your request for another week of life. He actually gave you a full great week in that time. We drove around. You could drink all the tea you liked, unlike before. You weren’t pukey, slept well, your skin looked well. Your face relaxed, you chatted with us all late nights, sang together at prayer, .. all in those last few days. We didn’t imagine you’d go that soon or ever.

When you left you left; my sisters Thel and Li were at your side, (we talked about that today). “He just left, no struggle, his eyes looking straight ahead…” What were you seeing daddy, who were you looking at ?

We had had to get back for Johann’s school reopening. His Principal was mad at me for always saying there was an ill grandparent after every school vacation. We reached after you’d gone, I pined for months till there were two precious dreams with you and Ma visiting. Too stark beautiful to say here. Folks mightn’t believe I’m telling the truth. But I believe it.

Maybe it strengthened my entire Faith system. Not “maybe” – it did. Thank you Daddy for being my human father, the very best. Thank you for teaching me to trust God too, knowing there is a place called Heaven and it is real.

Huggggggs, forever.

(Will you be Dad, or Robbie when we meet again? Either way no one’s going to miss your big brown sparkly eyes, the contagious laughter, your soft ears and deep bass.

“When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be, when we all see Jesus, we’ll sing and shout for victory…” (One of your fav. songs, I didn’t like it much back then. Now it rings with you in it. And Ma).

Thank you.

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All of us & Ray.